Backing Out

I do this a lot. I do this when I get scared, feel threatened or even just an excuse to do nothing. I feel no need to leave a mark anywhere. I am a WALLFLOWER. I hate it when I do this. I hate it and who doesn't? When you're surrounded by people who do their best, it's all the more frustrating. I can't do it. I can't seem to find the courage of dedicating myself to something and just giving it my all.
Thus, I envy people. The "Green-Eyed Monster" is almost my constant company. How could they do it? There is a high risk? Why don't they fear this risk? Is  it really worth it? I'm dying to find out what I'm truly passionate about and for some years I thought I have.
Writing. Those moments, the moments I've enjoyed thinking this is the one thing I would do for the rest of my life, those were the best. And when I was able to stand up to it, when i was finally accepted in an Arts School for an orientation, I held back. They were talented, and I hoped that so was I. I wanted to believe it but slowly I was shrinking. I was lost in a sea of people pursuing their dreams, doing their all. I was holding back, while they do their very best. And I know I won't make it.
Come judgement day, I wasn't picked. We had a well-to-do family income. I wasn't in desperate need of some scholarship and I already passed a science high school. Why go to some remote boarding school literally in the mountains  to study about arts, who may or may not secure you a bright future?
That was the biggest risk I ever took for me and for my dream. And at the same time, as of now, it is still the biggest what-if in my life. What if I was in some Arts School right now? Would the Maths be any different? Would they not torture me as hard as the Maths in my current Science School? I would never hear the end of this.